About Me

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I am married to Basilio Ruiz and thank God daily for bringing this wonderful man back into my life. I am a Christian mom of 4 (the youngest 3 are still at home with me) Ashleigh is 22, Amanda is 17, Joshua & Jeremy are 13. I am an independent CTMH consultant and love sharing the art of scrapbooking, cardmaking, and papercrafting with others.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Faith, Pride, and following God's will

Warning: this is another personal post so feel free to skip it if it's not your thing but there are some major changes going on in my life that I feel led to write about.

I have always considered myself a "good person" but not one to toot my own horn so much. In fact I am probably the first to list my faults and failures. Well, it seems I have let this list of what I consider to be my shortcomings get in the way of following God's will. I learned a couple of hard lessons recently........ones that I fought against. Here is what I learned ..... saying "I am not good enough" is just as prideful as saying "I am too good". Also that it is just as prideful to refuse myself forgiveness over something God has already forgiven me for Wow! These were both really hard for me to wrap my heart around! I am so thankful to God for bringing good people into my life who care about me enough to tell me the truth even if it is hard and/or painful for me to hear.

My "lessons" began when my good friend Melissa felt led to ask me to take on responsibility for some new ministries in our church. I have been perfectly content to be the "grunt worker behind the scenes and did not feel the need to be in charge of anything or even recognized for my contributions. In fact I was quite sure I had no business teaching anybody about living a life for God when I had messed up my own so badly. I politely told her no I did not think I was "good enough" to be the leader she was asking me to be when I felt like I had failed my own child so badly. She persisted in her sweet and caring "Melissa way". I shared this with Allen (who I am so grateful was brought into my life by God) along with my certainty that I was not "good enough" to do this. He very sweetly and with great love told me this was.......... are you ready for this???? PRIDEFUL! He said saying I am not good enough to be used as God wants me to be is just as prideful as saying I am too good or I am too busy. Ouch! We also talked at great length over how far I have come in my healing process but that I keep hitting a roadblock in dealing with forgiving myself for what happened to my oldest daughter. Guess what his response was again???? Yup......you guessed it............. said sweetly and with great love............ PRIDEFUL! His exact words were" if God has already forgiven you and you refuse to forgive yourself does this mean you think you are smarter than God"? Another OUCH!

So now I am struggling with my inability to forgive myself and also with thinking is this prideful and getting in the way of God's plans for me? I set up a meeting with my pastor who also with sweetness and much love tells me EXACTLY what Allen did................ even using the exact same scripture quotes. I am beginning to see a pattern here :-)

I leave Marc's office and I am still struggling but I am also beginning to see what I must do. I must finally and totally give my daughter over to God and trust him to take care of her and I must finally forgive myself for my feelings that I failed her. Easier said than done but I am working on it. Along with this I must also stop saying I am not good enough and allow Him to use me in whatever way He wants to because He is God and He most certainly can.

Who do I bump into on my way out of Marc's office but my friend Melissa? She wants to talk but has a meeting and no time. I give a sigh of relief thinking I am off the hook for a bit. NOT! I get a call just a bit later asking me to meet Melissa for ice cream. We talk, we pray together, we cry together and the end result is she is not letting me off the hook either. Guess what she said very sweetly and with much love? Yup.......you guessed it! It's time to quit being prideful and follow the road God is leading me down and she is expecting me to hit that road running.

So here I go again down a road that fills me with uncertainty and walking with blind faith that God is in control and He loves me enough to not only forgive me but He apparently has big plans to use me and my life experiences. And He has placed many good and loving people along my road to guide me and catch me when I stumble over my own pride.

5 comments:

mE said...

Hi Peggy,

I jsut wanted to drop you a note and let you know that I understand completely...

and

your friends are right.

When God calls you to a job that serves Him, he will give you the strength and skills necessary to complete the job. Don't beat up on yourself. Let God show you what you need to do and guide you through it :)

Love,

Erin

Sanna F said...

Hugs from me!!!
You are such a sweet person!

Just a simple gal said...

Hey girl! I really pray that you feel God' peace in the midst of the uncertainity - there's no better feeling than to be stepping out on faith and knowing that He will lead and provide [and hasn't he shown us this over & over?]

PeggyS said...

thanks guys............. scary stuff but I have to do what I know is right

karen In Houston said...

Hi Peggy:
I am so glad you are taking the leap of faith in following what is very apparent, God's will for you. God certainly kept sending the same message to you via different messengers and Praise God you listened. He has great plans for you and you will be truly blessed for allowing yourself to do His will. Love your blog........